Leadership Hindsights

They say that leaders are born and not made, and I'm one of those egotistical pundits who bawled on this philosophy for the longest time one can imagine.  It was the same guiding principle that I pride myself to be a part of.  I never had the yearning to be on a supporting role, much less let others be ahead of me when I always have the mindset that I can do better. Furthermore, they say it's a calling; something of astounding significance that we can't let go of, until I became a people manager. It's probably the first time that you might have heard of it, and likely the only one you've read about from some widespread publication such as this blog. Nonetheless, it's a position whose ideals I'm trying to embrace while moving forward for the betterment of my teammates. 

It all started when I joined my current company and set forth on a journey I thought I could sail without windy hiccups. While I bask in the narcissism of my so-called achievements as an engineer, I took the leap to be part of something bigger, something called the management team.  It's a piece of cake was what I uttered.  After all, I'm someone who lacked the cork to stomp an overwhelming confidence.What was so simple for me turned out to be something even more complex.  Running the operations was not so easy after all, and friends you call teammates apparently have bigger expectations and a wider sense of perspective when you stop a bit and reflect.    As with most people, your instinct tells you to seek help and have somebody took the burden of making you learn everything in a snap.  After all, I am a leader, and I was born with the innate ability to come through when needed.

I was unprepared to say the least to meet the most exhilarating and excruciating 4 months of my professional career.  Computing for certain metrics coupled with analyzing a few reports all seemed fundamental, only for me to hit a smack on the face for everything I did was congruently wrong.  My self-confidence hit an all-time low that not even the Great Depression could surpass.  I came to a tipping point when I wanted to call it quits and for the first time wanted to believe in all the things a lot of naysayers have said all along, that she was different, stern and mean, and all other items probably inappropriate even for mature audiences.  

I wanted to join the bandwagon amidst all the uncertainties and irrevocable tension that marred our professional relationship.  But it's really funny how life teaches you the lessons never mentioned in the four corners of any school of thought. Of all people, I found solace in the words of my wife telling me that whatever she was doing was meant for something bigger.  I was too caught in the incidents that I never saw the bigger picture, never saw that all she wanted was to make me ready when the time is ripe, to make me succumb to the pressure so that I'll learn the value of preparation and effective execution, to make me feel worthless so that I'll learn the value of humility and patience, and most of all, to endure the pain of losing, so that I'll come out swinging when the time is right.


After a couple of months, and a bagful of experiences and learning sessions, I can say that I've improved.  The aura of being cocky and confident has mellowed yet reliably undeterred.  I've managed to use what my brain was built for, not to simply think, but to understand what lies beneath the surface, what stories lurks behind the numbers, and what difference fairness brings over pragmatic equality .  I met my new friends as well namely "consistency" and "being "proactive", while sharing a good blend of coffee with my old pals "optimism" and "self-esteem".

I by no means resemble a finish product.  I still have a lot to improve and learn.  The timing has never been right but to cast my gratitude in oblivion is something I'll resent for ages.  Namedropping is not what she would likely want me to give her as a gift, but I simply wanted to let everyone reading this one, how thankful I am for what she had shared with me.  She has endured a lot for the team and is mostly misunderstood for her actions, but little did they know that her intents was a stuff of legends.

To part with, thank you may not offer much, nor will it ever quantify what I've gained from working with her. I may never be what she had envisioned me to be when she first saw that potential.  But I would have not been the leader I am today if she didn't took the time to go out of her way...